help me jimmy my foot is melting!!
[Recent Entries][Archive][Friends][User Info]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "mentalninja" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
|
01:10 pm
[Link] |
my friends..... the poo faces
Invalid video URL. Video code provided by HotCodez.com
so i wanna say something about all ma friends...
i adore these people for who they are, not what they are
Kirstin
This lil pooh is ma favorite person, I’ve known her for five years now and I just know that she'll always be around for me no matter what happens. And even if we don’t always have the same views on everything we never argue seriously
Haley
I love this lesbian to pieces, she took me to the movies on a date and we drank a carton of woodstock, it was beautiful. She really cares about people and people really care about her!!!
Bell
Bell and I have so many differences it’s not funny. We annoy the crap out of each other, I bash her up when I’m drunk and tend to go spare at her when I’m sober. But deep down I luv her, she always seems to know how I feel when I need some one to talk to she's there and when I needed to cry she gave me more help then ever.
Joe
Joe is my favorite checkoslovakian… he’s awesome. He’s very intense some times, but then again who isn’t? He drinks quite a bit…. Some how I think by the time I’m his age… I’ll be that drunk…
As for his violent streaks… Fucken AH, there great… hehe, who else would chase families out of hungry jacks with a machete
Micheal
micheal is awesome ta-boot... Oh MA GAWD... and so italian... Kg just isnt fun with out micheal
Christina
she likes to drink, i like to drink... need i say more?
Rei
Rei is so pretty and real, i like the way that she feels so much... its just a talent i doubt i'll ever have
Chilli
chilli's AWESOME...teeheehee.....JESUS
Luke
Lukes a great kid, i hope to go drinking with him many more times. i really like the way he cares
Murray
Murray's a pretty boy... and he got arrested
thats all i have to say
Daniel
Although i dont see him much anymore my love goes out to him. i used to have so much fun hanging out with him
Vincent
I have spent the better half of about 3 weeks attempting to freak this kid out... it eventually worked... what shnazzy guy
Danni
Danni has always been nice to me. I think the rumours spreding about her are bull shit... and even if she ever did sleep around alot theres no reason to hate her, she's just to nice
Lil mel
hehehe AWESOME, i just wanna put her in my poket
saz
saz is just a peacchy keen kid
well erm.... i cannot remeber and more of my buddys...... if i forgootered any one lemme know
|
|
04:12 pm
[Link] |
.......ah........poo
Hey…
Were in a whacked out good mood
Doped up and feeling like we want to kill myself
How good is this? Oh so…. Oh so good!
Mmmhmmmmmmm fo-shizzle
Wow, do people actually like Us? Do I actually like Us? No fucken chance… woo… but we sure can’t wait to see myself again? Eh…. Whoa… does that make any sense? Suppose it doesn’t matter to you fucken anally retentive cunts…. Not that were being hypocritical… but we could be if you want us to be? What do you want us to be? …No, I’m actually asking…. What in your sick little twisted yet socially acceptable mind do you think I should change myself into…? What’s right? What’s acceptable? WHAT THE FUCK
…What am I? What should I say I am?
Most would say I’m awesome
Really though… I’m a malignant little fuck… you all know it! I’m not anywhere near real…. Do you even believe half the shit that comes out of our mouth sometimes?
Am I even real? Nothings real? Me? Us? Personality wise? Fuck off!!!!!!! Eh…time to get out of our head…
FUCK OFF!!!!!
Current Mood:  aggravated
Current Music: end of the world - cold
|
|
08:26 pm
[Link] |
............
Last night I woke up in my back yard unable to move covered in vomit and blood…. I shan’t elaborate on that any further.
I lay there hour after hour starring up at through the old branches of a tree at the clouds wondering if I was dead… everything that I do played through my head, repetitively wondering if I was happy…. knowing that the answer wasn’t clear….
I just stared…
Watching the bats swoop and dive … the possums scutter around looking for something to eat, jumping from branch to branch almost seeming like they would fall on me… I wondered if they would and if they did would they fall through me. And just run straight back up the nearest tree… its like I was never there. Slowly people appeared around me…. People I know, but their faces too unclear…. Nothing I wanted to recognize. Nothing I wanted to know… time passed and they faded away…. One by one till I was alone in the darkness once more… it was peaceful… fear hadn’t even crossed my mind till this point, then it hit me… I was in the back yard… covered in blood and vomit…. What the fuck have I done with my life…. Why don’t I care???
Current Mood:  sore
Current Music: needled 24/7 - children of bodom
|
|
09:22 pm
[Link] |
my buddy the porcupine - prt 2
Well now due to increasing demand I have to complete my conversation with the porcupine… this is almost embarrassing… and rather dull…. I thought I had no life for imagining what it would be like to talk to a porcupine, but you guys who read this… jebus!
Porcupine: you owe me money
Awesome Yvette: No I do not
Porcupine: yes you do, you owe me money
Awesome Yvette: well you suck and..
Porcupine: and what? You suck and here’s a million dollars? You suck and I love you?
Awesome Yvette: no, just and
Porcupine: no, just and what? Just and here’s a million dollars?
Awesome Yvette: I’m not giving you money!
Porcupine: yes you are… and why aren’t you wearing pants?
Awesome Yvette: Oi, this is my imagination… stop messing with me…
Porcupine: No, give me my money
Awesome Yvette: give me some pants
Porcupine: Only if you dance with me!
Awesome Yvette: But I can’t the Tv told me I cant…
Porcupine: … you have a point there…. I’m awesome
Awesome Yvette: I doubt it, I already pointed out that I am a lot more awesome then you… plus, I came up with you
Porcupine: You have a point… I could never kick as much ass as you Awesome Yvette, you’re my idol
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: marilyn manson - get your gun
|
|
06:39 pm
[Link] |
photos
Well here’s some photos of random crap…because I’m bored
my bed at my dads house
my sexy friend eugene
me with...not one....but TWO tallies
...heh, i finally got caught for underage drinking in public on the weekend
andrejs...one of the most awesome kids i know... we spent like an hour staring at a brick wall in some ones kitchen when we were pissed... what a veiw
tom - a great kid who attends my high school... we used to get along well but i havnt talked to him in a while.... still worth a mention
well thats all i can be stuffed posting today
my hands are bored of typing...
goodnight
Current Mood:  blah
Current Music: assimilate - skinny puppy
|
|
04:06 pm
[Link] | You know what? Aside from the fact that I’m awesome I’m nothing special…. Nothing new. Nothing.
It saddens me sometimes… but sometimes I think that I’m content. Just content. Life isn’t to bad… doesn’t mean anything to me anyway, but it isn’t bad anymore. I have friends… As pathetic as that sounds I enjoy other peoples company… when there’s more time with myself I tend to hate myself…. But being around others…. I can leave the hating and judgmental behaviors to them… Nothings my issue.
Current Mood:  content
Current Music: Nine Inch Nails - bite the hand that feeds
|
|
08:15 pm
[Link] |
...........yeah..
Well I was having an interesting conversation with myself this afternoon... we got on to the topic of my increasing levels of boredom and how they could possibly relate to why I feel so crap. I mean… I’m upset that nothings happening in my life; upset that I’m just fucking boring.
Well actually I don’t think those are the exact words for it… I wouldn’t say I’m particularly boring, but everything else is. I miss some thing… I’m not sure what… don’t say tom. I just feel empty, no matter what I do I’m not getting fun out of it, I’m not getting anything out of it… something changed in my mind. Something’s not right
That something seems to be everything
Current Mood: worse
Current Music: piggy - NIN
|
|
08:09 pm
[Link] |
jeebs
Some days I wonder about myself… I spent an hour yesterday yelling at the TV then I went into my room and cried… what the fuck? Seems reasonable when you do it but thinking back I have issues. Maybe an explanation might help…
Well I yelled at the TV because it was a little kids show and it made no sense, no sense what so ever… WHO THE FUCK WHANTS TO DANCE WITH A PORCUPINE?
Clearly porcupines aren’t meant for dancing so why even try to dance with one?
And it was line dancing, who actually line dances? NOT ME! And I don’t accept anyone who does… especially if they’re a porcupine.
Fucking those things don’t even live in Australia so I don’t know what this show was trying to teach me. I will never want to dance with a porcupine so I will never need to work out a way to flatten its spikes. And they put hair gel on it. What the fuck? DID THEY REALLY THINK THAT WOULD WORK! Well as we all know it didn’t…
hmm, I don’t know what happened next on the show because my mum banned me from the TV. Kinda pissed me off, now that show had no moral what so ever and I learnt nothing from those brightly colored people aside from the fact that you shouldn’t line dance with a porcupine… which I highly doubt I was going to do anyway
This is how it would probably go if a porcupine did ask me to dance though
Porcupine: would you like to dance
Awesome Yvette: No, you’re a porcupine and I learnt about this on TV
Porcupine: oh, really, well that’s ok…
Awesome Yvette: well on a scale of one to ten I’m awesome
Porcupine: I agree
Awesome Yvette: why are you still here
Porcupine: You owe me money
…. Well I would tell you the rest of this story…. But eh… I’m bored now. Thanks for listening
Current Mood: crap
Current Music: reptile - NIN
|
|
07:37 pm
[Link] |
controlll
I have come across as being depressing lately, some times I am… but most of the time I’m pretty ok… right now I’m standing at my computer dancing to Manson… great fun I haven’t danced in so long… some how I don’t think I should quit my day job though.
Little things in life lately have been bringing me joy… just seeing people smile… Being on the train… when the sun rises… the smell after it rains…. I’m trying to enjoy life again… for so long I’ve been dead to the people around me, but now I’m making them dead to me. I’m going to live for once… going to enjoy it too.
I’ve been writing down things to remember in a note pad: Personal encouragement, rules, the way things work, details about people… things I need to know to see life correctly
To make life steady
Controlled
When I’m in control things work my way
Mind of matter
Power through promise
They’re my toys
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: get your gun - marilyn manson
|
|
07:43 pm
[Link] |
...............and on it goes
What is life?
A time, a place, a situation?
Those make it up
But Its nothing really, not a fucking thing
Just a short time
Just somewhere you live
And situations which mean everything
People are a part to
Weather you choose to love them or hate them you’ve met them and they’ve made you, altered you
Decided your life subconsciously
You’re a version of them and there just a version of someone else
We come from an original… uninfluenced… only primal urges
And we all fall back on them from time to time
Over all we fucked up any master plan there could have been for us
Nothing left but to become another copy
…and to create more
Repetition
Clones
A world of similarity filled with alienation for anyone who thinks differently even though there not even original in the first place
We wont learn, we wont listen, there’s no hope for us
so why the fuck are you interested in anything about me? You’ve probably heard it all before. I don’t mean anything to myself so why should I mean anything to you…?
Current Mood:  indeed
Current Music: Msi - two hookers and an 8 ball
|
|
09:24 pm
[Link] |
........................................................................fuck
What the fuck is it I’m supposed to be seeing in the darkness?
What the fuck is it?
Watching me?
WHAT THE FUCK IS IT????
I don’t get it
2D
It’s all fucking 2D
It’s in my head? Has to be
It can’t hurt me physically
But it doesn’t need to; I hurt myself for it…
No fucking control
No choice
I see
But I don’t
I know
But I don’t
I don’t fucking understand it
I don’t fucking understand it
I don’t fucking understand it
I don’t fucking understand it
I don’t fucking understand it
I don’t fucking understand it
I don’t fucking understand it
I don’t fucking understand it
I don’t fucking understand it
I don’t fucking understand it
I don’t fucking understand it
I don’t fucking understand it
I….just….cant… get …. A… fucking…. grip
Current Mood:  scared
Current Music: cyclops - marilyn manson
|
|
05:55 pm
[Link] |
...
Wow, I sure am full of confusing stuff.
I don’t understand myself.
I don’t feel.
Again, there is nothing
A complete void
That can be filled but only to be lost…
I am empty
…
a shell
…
of nothing
…
…and that’s all I’ll ever be.
Current Mood:  cold
Current Music: dope hat - marilyn manson
|
|
07:23 pm
[Link] |
....Cake and sodomy
Some times you just lose trust
some times faith
sometimes your not sure if you ever had it
sometimes you know you didnt
why dont you just kill yourself?
it plays on your mind
can you cure yourself if you know why
work out some sane reasoning
would you want a cure
is it worth it?
do you want to be well?
or do you enjoy the sickness
the virus that is life?
will you choose to cope?
can you choose?
is the coice yours to make?
are you your own person or controled by foces beyond yourself
of course your controled
no way we could be free and live the way we do
were all part of something bigger
not something better
just a mass population created by aleination
nothing for us to like
nothing for us to do
we just exist
and thats all there is
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: cake and sodomy - marilyn manson
|
|
07:27 pm
[Link] |
Oi, piss off
What am I supposed to be? Can some one tell me?
Can I tell myself? Can I even guess?
I’m messed up I suppose, but happy about it….and sad too, happy that I’m messed, sad that I feel. I drink to deal with my thoughts, who am I but me? It pains me and I like it
A masochist to the definition
Indeed
Or I could be talking crap, I’m never quite sure myself, so I wouldn’t trust me on this on… actually, I wouldn’t trust me on much. Some times I wonder if I’m sick… I hurt a lot of things that are innocent… suppose… they deserve it. We;; fuck it if they don’t, I justify it as some thing I just do. And I just do a lot of things
Fuck I make no sense
But really, do you expect me to?
Doesn’t matter what your answer is if you wear it in your stride, and leave me the fuck alone.
I’m fine
I don’t need to talk
I don’t need help
I don’t need anything
Except an explanation of what the fucks going on… but you can’t help me with that
No one can
So… DON’T FUCKING TRY
Current Mood:  ....indeed
Current Music: pounded into dust - cannibal corpse
|
|
12:18 pm
[Link] | I learnt a lot about myself over the last couple of days
Things that you just don’t know until something triggers them off
Thursday night for example, I was at my dads place, I sleep with a night light because I always have ( I used to be scared of the dark… anyway, it broke. So I slept in the dark… which at the time didn’t phase me, but I awoke slightly startled at 3:12am which isn’t an odd occurrence for me – I don’t sleep so well – but what came next scared the crap out of me. Just staring down my room – which is a long, brick room, and my beds at one end – and for some fucking reason I was seeing shit that just couldn’t have possibly been there… It was utter fear, a fear I haven’t felt in a long time… a fear of everything… so afraid the everything was moving, the walls, my bed, the roof… not some thing I wish to go through again….
But ever since then I have had a hard time with paranoia, always looking behind me and jumping at the slightest thing and just getting scared when I’m alone for no fucking reason
And yesterday – Saturday – I was in town, talking to a friend, he listens to me when I’m upset –I like that – just someone that cares. We were just sitting and chatting as I said before, I was pretty emotionally distraught because only moments earlier I had had I fight with my mother and to make things worse I was drunk. I was leaning on him feeling rather upset when suddenly he starts to go on with crap like how pretty I am and how pretty people should smile. I just shrugged it off because he’s said it to me before on many occasions. But the next thing I know his tongues in my mouth and he’s going for a fucking rough kiss. I got caught utterly by surprise – he knows I have a boyfriend – and I was just sitting there thinking over and over again “what the FUCK?”
When my brain finally reacted I bit him – and knowing my fucking luck I find some one who thinks that that’s hot – so he bit me back… So I pulled away, told him I had a boy friend – which he already knew – and I moved off very fast to catch my bus. He followed me part of the way and hugged me a few times, it just made me feel sick. I didn’t want that attention from him. Maybe if I was single I would have lapped it up. But I love tom. With all his imperfections … and that’s all there is
I don’t hate that guy for making a move on me, but I don’t want to touch anyone aside from tom physically for a long time… it just makes me sick
Current Mood: I never fucking smile
Current Music: none
|
|
02:39 pm
[Link] |
sneezzzz
So, I want to break it off with tom, I do still love him, but I cant stand the person he is… trust me. At first I wrote him a letter… this is is….
Tom
We don’t need to talk, we don’t need to do anything
Were over
No hard feelings
For want of an explanation…
we have nothing in common (you know its true)
You don’t like my friends and quite frankly I’m not to keen on yours either. To me my friends are long term, well chosen and would take a bullet for me ….
Some how I think some of your “friends” would put a bullet in you given a chance
Secondly, your actions, your motives and what you say don’t add up. For example you have said to me that you don’t care what people think and your you and want to stand your ground. But then (I’m unsure as to weather its subconscious or not) you spend a lot of time sucking up and are easily influenced by generally the worst kind of people
…Drugs… well I hardly even want to start on that. I accepted them when I accepted you…. But I’ve seen far to much abuse to believe that your ideals are anywhere near wise
As for us as a set, we don’t think, feel or act the same. Your…well…you (I don’t know how to put that with out causing some form of misinterpreted offence) and I’m slipping further away from reality as the days go by…
I think you said it best yourself “in five years time we probably wont know each other”
It’s true
I can’t help thinking that only one of us will live through the next year…
“I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
That the dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had”
Last but not least, I don’t think I love you anymore. When I see you I feel sad, disappointed…. You cant help the person you are and I cant help the way I feel
Maybe we can still be friends, wont be the same, honestly I don’t really care, I’m through with caring
Oh well,
Have a nice life…
As you can see, its not that nice, I have chosen not to give it to him… instead tell him I just cant be in a relationship with him until he settles down. And not to expect me to still love him by the time he does that… ah well, suppose we’ll all just move on…
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: SOURpuppet - stimpy
|
|
06:24 pm
[Link] |
...........ba da da dum
Today I bought a ….um….. Well I’ll call it a boggle. Tried to get it to work it broke twice before it burnt my twitch to ashes, fucking thing! Any way…. My day has been somewhat……. gangsta, yeah.
I think I’m comfortable in my own skin at the moment, the arrangement I’m sitting in is good, the character I want to be is what I am….
Yes any way
I am bored
And……uh……. Still dating tom, who’s turned from a clean Goth kid to a bogan druggo… its shits me off. Cant he just be who I fell in love with? I know I have changed a lot over the holidays but I’m still the same!
Lets talk about my holidays shall we
- I got drunk a lot (pretty much everyday)
- I had a lot of emotional break downs
- I had a massive fight with my mum when I was drunk
- I ran away from home and stayed with friends
- I learnt a lot about life
- Had a lot of sex
- I nearly OD’d on pain killers
- I hurt my self a lot
- I did a lot of drugs
Yeah, as you can see I had a hell of a time… a hell of a time… and I wouldn’t change it for a thing.
Certain things that you just have to go through to understand yourself better.
But watching Tom, I know how all my friends must of felt I suppose watching me… his life’s going to shit and quite frankly he doesn’t seem to care about it, he’s not falling into depression, he’s just falling….. He’s not the boy I like anymore, but I’ll give him a chance I suppose………
Current Mood: like a printer
Current Music: none...........OoOoOoO
|
|
05:41 pm
[Link] |
i'm some one else. i'm some one else. i'm some one stupid just like you
Hey let me quote my hand written journal for you today
APRIL 30 2005
I keep slipping away
To where I don’t know
I just don’t know…
Every night I go to my place, my room, my thoughts, and my existence
Just a place
In my mind
A fantasy, so far away where everything is how I want… Perfect in its imperfections. My real where the unreal meets the real and forms a reality
A paradox to me… maybe
But it is only mine; no one can see it but me. It’s mine, all fucking mine
It exists only to me, it’s my hell, my heaven, my reasoning…
A cataclysm of mind, A source of energy, it feeds me, a place to go to get my fill of you… because you’re so fucking beautiful
Your nothingness
You’re made up
Unreal
But to me alive
Metamorphosis of my emotion
My anti-hero, a flawed design. What have I done? I have created you to deal with me; I put my emotion not only on paper. I put my emotion into paper
Compassion I suppose
Something to absorb me
Something to take my mind and leave me with nothing
My wish is to become as you once were: nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
I wish to be nothing
Because
After all
I AM YOU
What kind of 15-yr. old writes that? Tell me?
Current Mood: distort
Current Music: V-mob - hurt me
|
|
08:55 pm
[Link] |
some of us are just born to die
What the fucks wrong with me?
My whole life is going to shit, I'm not talking or staying with my mum... but I'm not going to tell my dad about that. I cant seem to deal with life sober but I can hardly deal with it whist I'm intoxicated, I cant be left alone because I'm the fucking worst influence on myself.
Some of us are just born to die.
I cant hold my attention and I'm staying with friends, I need a good night sleep and some more alcohol. but fuck me, I'm happier then I would be if I was home! I feel like theres a tone of bricks on my shoulders but at the same time I feel completely free, because its my life and I'm fucking it up my way.
I have an issue with people caring, I hate caring! No one should fucking do it. I wish it would leave me alone for good... yeah, I cant do what I want cos it hurts people. FUCK PEOPLE, its there own fault for getting emotionally involved with me. I never ask for a relationship, I never ask for people to care, but they do and if they choose to its there fucking fault and I wish they wouldn't put it on me, cos quiet frankly I can't care
Current Mood:  exhausted
Current Music: like light to the flies - trivium
|
|
07:27 pm
[Link] |
i hurt myself today, to see if i still feel
what am i supposed to say? My negative actions affect others and in revers make me feel worse about myself.
Yeah, I'm fucking hurting you by hurting myself. It just makes it worse when you say you care. I'm not worth it... your not worth it.
I mean... whats the point?
Whats the fucking point?
And even if i knew, it probably wouldn't make me fucking happy!
YEAH, FUCK YOU
I don't understand and truth be told I DONT FUCKING CARE!!! I'm TOO fucked to care, TOO fucked to understand AND WAY TO FUCKED TO BE RATIONAL
I'm sorry for my outburst, didn't mean to rec your day
just pretend i don't exist and we'll both be a lot happier
FUCK YOU
this is me, and i fucking hate myself
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: nine inch nails - closer
|
[<< Previous 20 entries] |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
mentalninja's journal